Excess Gas Reserves

BREAKING NEWS! It's an election year, and you know what that means! Campaigns are well underway as the nation decides: Who will be the next president? Things are heating up between governor Samantha "Sally" McBride and senator Mark Turtle. Though both have largely stuck to the issues in public facing events, the candidates themselves have been rumored to have a deep dislike of each other on a personal level. Will this potential malice come out in tonight's debate? Make sure you watch our exclusive coverage before and after. Now, to Tom with the weather.

Sally shut the TV off with disgust. Things were bad enough with the polling numbers; they didn't need speculation.

"Ugh!" Sally exclaimed. "How many times are they going to just make stuff up? I mean, I don't really like Mark, but if the anchors keep prodding him on, I just know he'll start going negative. And I really don't want to go negative."

"Completely understood" said Paul. "As your campaign manager, however, it's something we should brace for. I have some materials ready, though I suggest we don't use them unless we go under 35 points."

"Let's cross that bridge if we come to it. Can we get more updates on the situation in London? I know nothing has really happened in the past few weeks, but I have a feeling that it will come up tonight."

"Right away. Don't let the stress get to you too much. A bit of relaxation before tonight would probably be a good idea. You can be as knowledgeable as you want, but if you fluster, that's all that will matter."

"Fine. I'll take a minute. But London. Now." Sally snapped.

"Of course!" Paul replied. "Let me rally the troops and will be sure to get you those updates before you get on stage." Turning to the rest of the room, Paul's voice instantly changed from the deferential sidekick to ringleader.

"Almost showtime everyone!" Paul declared. "Thirty minutes before we are live. This half of the room should be the fact checkers. Every single thing that Mark says, we need to get down. You never know which statement will be the one. Everyone else should know what they are doing, but please speak up if you don't."

"Nobody? Good. Take a minute, refresh your mug, and do whatever you need to do. Once the debate starts, everyone stays at their stations. That means no getting up for coffee, no going to the bathroom, nothing. If you have to do anything, now is the time. I'm looking at you Cheryl."

The next half hour felt like an eternity. Sally's backstage space was full of whiteboards from the campaign office displaying the current state of the country. Every possible topic she or the team could think of was hastily scribbled down, from the health of certain foreign ministers to the flow of iron within the country.

Eventually, an escort appeared to take Sally to the wings of the stage. As she waited, she could see Mark on the other side. She didn't like how confident he looked. The entire country would be watching and Mark looked... presidential.

Sally felt nervous as she glanced at the crowd and imagined how many more people would be watching. Lost in thought, Sally felt a finger tap her shoulder. After a slight jump, she saw that it was Paul.

"You were right. The situation in London has worsened significantly literally two hours ago." Paul noted. "Here are some cards with updated figures and developments."

Sally snatched the notecards. "Anything else?"

"News hasn't hit our stations yet; I had to go local for this. If Mark's team wasn't looking for this update specifically like we were, they probably don't have it yet."

Sally couldn't believe her luck. Politics were all about information, after all. Now, she had a clear upper hand.

Let's welcome the candidates to the stage!

"Good luck. You've got this." Paul whispered. Sally stepped confidently to her podium as Mark mirrored her.

We're going to start by giving each candidate some time to briefly introduce themselves. Mark, you have two minutes.

As Mark droned on about how happy he was to be there, Sally took a look at the notecards. The situation in London was quickly devolving. A touch of civil unrest had plagued the country since their latest election two months ago. Up until today, things seemed to be reaching a kind of resolution. But, two hours ago, shots had apparently been fired outside of parliament, prompting a fiery response from the current prime minister.

"... and I greatly look forward to being your next president." Mark concluded.

Sally, you have two minutes.

"Thank you. I'm Sally McBride and I'm running to be your next president because . . ."

This was the easy part. Her introduction was based on various speeches she had given at rallies. As she spouted off the familiar lines, she could feel her confidence climbing.

Let's start with foreign policy. Our first question is to Sally. Regarding the current situation in London, do you think violence is unavoidable and, if elected president, how would you direct this country to respond or assist?

The very first question? This was perfect. All she had to do was get Mark to say something that was out of date and then lean into that. That kind of momentum could carry her not just through the debate, but could win the election.

"I know it's unorthodox, but I'd actually like to hear what Mark has to say first."

Okay. Mark, are you okay with going first?

"If she would rather listen to me, I'm not going to stop her. Indeed it shows that I'm more qualified."

Sally chuckled silently to herself as Mark took the bait.

"It's been two months since the contested election. I know the citizens of London are nervous but I believe that time heals all wounds. We are yet to see any kind of real violence in the country. . . ."

And there it was. Now to close the noose.

. . . I believe a peaceful solution will reveal itself soon. And, as an ally, I would be fully in support of it."

Thank you. Sally?

"I'm afraid I don't share your optimism Mark. And I'm in good company; a majority of Londoners agree with me based on the latest polling. But I think what is more concerning is that you don't seem to believe that shots fired outside of parliament are "real violence." Did the prime minister's speech today about the volatility of the situation not make sense to you? I do hope for a peaceful solution and I would absolutely be in favor of that. But that may be an untenable hope. If a peaceful solution is not found in time, it is necessary to assist to protect the sanctity of democracies. This is a real possibility and one of your candidates is burying his head in the sand."

Sally was satisfied with her answer. Mark would either have to admit that he was behind or he would have to say that shots fired was not real violence. Either way, score one for Sally.

As predicted, the momentum carried Sally as she answered each question with confidence and grace. Though Mark would eventually warm up, he never fully recovered from getting blindsided on question one. Soon enough, it was time for the candidates' closing remarks.

I think I speak for the whole country when I thank you both for a lively debate tonight. As much as we would love to continue, our time is coming to a close. You each will have three minutes to conclude. Since Mark kicked us off with the introductions, Sally will have two minutes to conclude, followed by three minutes for Mark and finally closing with a minute rebuttal from Sally. Sally, when you're ready.

"Thank you very much. It has been a pleasure to be here today..." Again, Sally had borrowed a significant portion of her conclusion from her other speeches while weaving in threads from the debate. Sally didn't care for how scripted it felt at the beginning, but now, she proudly carried on. She had won this debate and knew it. Mark's conclusion was standard and toothless. All that was left was Sally's rebuttal.

"One of the most important things about this debate is that you see how your candidates deal with issues when they arise in real time. And, in that time, Mark has shown you that he doesn't have a presidential fortitude, all the way from not knowing London's current situation to his fiscal policy. When I'm president I will..."

And then, in but a moment, a rude noise cut through the remarks. Recoiling in horror, Sally realized that she had just loudly farted in front of the entire country.

"Excuse me, but, as I was saying, Mark has shown a lack of awareness and knowledge that a president needs," Sally noted, quickly recovering, "and that's why I hope to count on your vote."

Sally waived to the applauding crowd as she walked off stage. Paul was already there, ready to debrief as they packed up the items they had backstage.

"Fantastic job! You really let him have it with the London stuff. Really good call to look into that."

"Thank you for getting those figures to me and for going the extra mile with the local reporting. We really caught him off guard." Sally noted. She had never seen Paul this excited before.

"He will definitely be more ready at the next debate. But, that's a problem for future Sally and Paul. We obviously have a bit of follow up, but I still think there's cause for celebration." Paul stated.

"The end was a bit rough with that... interruption. Do you think that will be a problem?" Sally asked.

"I think you recovered well and I don't think anyone actually cared. You clearly had the upper hand on the facts." Paul reasoned.

As they made their way back to the campaign office for a well-deserved drink, Paul got a message from one of their staffers: "TURN ON THE NEWS NOW."

The "interruption" was all the news could talk about, replaying the clip over and over and over. The campaign office phone lines were flooded with prank calls while news anchors speculated about what could happen if another incident occurred under diplomatic circumstances.

It took 48 hours for Sally to step down from her campaign, swapping places with another member of the party. During that time, Sally had never heard so many synonyms for flatulence.

***

Dedicated to Howard Dean. And if you don't know why, you should check out the Proof of Concept companion piece! I mean, you should check it out either way, but it's a heck of a story if you haven't heard it before.