Wine Review: Trump 2016 (Chardonnay)

So, the inauguration happened. I didn't want it to get to me as much as it did but it still did. I am very thankful to live in a place like NYC during this time and my heart goes out to everyone in places that are about to get far more hostile.

I don't really do many political posts (unless I do), but in each case, I want to try and say something different than what has already been said. It's hard to say anything about the inauguration that hasn't been repeated ad nauseam.

So, instead, I broke out a bottle of Trump 2016 Chardonnay I picked up back in law school with a friend of mine. I knew it would be worth a laugh at some point.

Pictured: I've had this for a little while now.

In fairness to the wine, I should have drunk it a while ago... But without further ado, our commentary!

***

We started by looking at the bottle and the label.

"I'm worried it will be piss."

"Tucked into the foothills. "I don't want anything that's been tucked into a foot.""

"Notes of impeachment."

"Smells like wine, but not good wine."

"I'll bet this has aged just as poorly as the man."

"It really looks like piss."

"It smells like Barefoot Wine got depressed."

Pictured: Chardonnays are supposed to have a yellow color from being aged in oak.

We then each tried the wine for the first time.

"That is bad. That is really bad."

"That is vinegar."

"I feel my human rights slipping away with every sip. I fear if I finish the glass I'll revert to my gender assigned at birth."

"This is even worse than I was expecting it."

"The bottle promises "bright flavors of citrus and white peach, with hints of butterscotch and spice." This has just one note: bad."

At this point, our newborn decided that they would need to cry. Whether the wine had anything to do with that is up for interpretation. But I wouldn't be surprised. (Note: We did not give the baby wine. But the smell was also unpleasant.)

"Now I'm gripping my wine glass by the stem. Not intentionally, this just happened naturally."

"I imagine being at a fine dining restaurant and being a conservative and ordering a glass of the Trump chardonnay, and then them getting the reaction I just had of bodily rejectment and disgust, full body convulsions and a contorted face. In other words, very sophisticated."

"I feel my stomach burning like it's hard alcohol."

"It's simple. But that simplicity is rancid and just feels out of place."

"I'm going to finish this. I can't let this beat me metaphorically."

Pictured: The cork.

At that time, the food we had ordered arrived. It would be good to have a palate cleanse.

"I forgot how bad it was."

"This tastes like salad dressing."

"I burned my tongue yesterday and this makes me happy I did."

"There's not much to taste!"

"It's just wine."

"Debatable."

"It is an alcohol."

"The fries are definitely helping."

"So what can this tell us about the next four years?"

"He'll put his name on anything."

"Forget pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, just bring your piss and vinegar."

"I can't finish that for sure."

As I was pouring another glass, my friend told me that it "broke her brain" that I was having more.

"Maybe this explains the brain damage. He's just been drinking Trump wine!"

"I'm going to chug this. This is not a sipping wine."

"I'd rather drink a gallon of cooking wine than this."

"I'm going to get a shot of something to drink."

"I'm pretty sure it's not going to kill me."

"The shot made that better. But that was god awful."

"This tastes like AI generated wine. It's so generic."

"The last drops came out like piss."

"That was upsetting to watch."

"The stream was what did it."

"It was a stream."

"Cheers to Donald Trump for getting me drunk. Other than that, fuck him."

"It's just generic wine taste."

"I'll admit. Trump wine is much better chasing it with hard alcohol."

"I think that may be the worst wine I've ever had. Like ever. I hate to make sweeping generalizations like that but I think it may be true."